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You may not believe
My words, but I
Have become the master of
A universe.

It happened quickly -
You'd think such power
Would require ages, and
Piles of sages and tomes,

But no, it is only revolution:
Recomposition of thoughts,
Of sight, of light that
Begins when you live wrong.

Enough rhetoric! My
Friend, who reads, who
Seeks to peak into this,
Into my throne.

It began with a void.
It rose with failure.
It bred on lost love.
It ached from abuse.

Composed, this creature
Strove to be in love
To win, to learn, but
Came up evershort.

That is, until all that
Everwas and everwill
Spoke
ENOUGH.

Breathless, I turned on
The light of my dark -
The switch of death and
Deaths gone, and saw.

I rectified the unknown
Of mine and yours
In that gift of insight,
Caught my soul, and held it.

No, I clenched it! Sucked
Up the heaven like a syphon
To find it never ran dry, that
My insatiable truth poured

I found words paltry.
I found romance fake.
I found my Creator
And We agreed.

Removed from this and here,
I meditate to live.  When
I leave it all, it is just
Returning home.
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconbarisaxgirlj:

Author's Comments

I wrote this for a contest on AllPoetry.


I get so many critiques... it's a breath of fresh air compared to the writing communities on DevArt. I'm staying for the Creative Commons, at least.

Comments


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:iconumbilicalblisters:
AllPoetry, you say? And they actually critique work?
Sign me up.
Anyhow, after saying that, it would seem kinda silly if I didn't critique this, wouldn't it?
The thing I like most about this is the pacing you have. Slow, deliberate, planned. There is a feel of ... I want to say royalty (my throne) but it's not quite that. It's serene and shining and powerful.
One thing that bothers me, and this is just a personal preference, is that every line is capitalized even if it's not the beginning of a thought. To me, that interrupts the movement of ideas.

All that being said, I enjoyed reading this. Getting to see what it's like to be a master of the universe without actually having to bear the burden. Good work.

--
Holy rising hemlines, Batman!
:iconbarisaxgirlj:
Thanks for the comment about capitalization. I received a similar comment on AllPoetry, and it's really got the gears thinking. Sometimes, I enjoy the disruption/emphasis that a capitilization can provide mid-thought, but perhaps it's overdone if the word is already beginning a new line, you know?

(And yes, they really do critique! It's amazing!)

--
Painted across me,
I am the color of you.
:iconumbilicalblisters:
I think I'm going to get myself an account at AllPoetry.
And yeah, I think the poem would get better flow if you wrote in thoughts instead of lines.

--
Holy rising hemlines, Batman!

Details

January 15, 2007
1.5 KB

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